you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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