I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
You left your phone here
Wait...
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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