Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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