Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
