no, he came in my armpit
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
