i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
