your parents love me but you hate me
barbara walters just said penis...
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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