It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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