guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
