dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Did I show you my penis last night?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
