I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
