So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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