I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
