When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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