I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
