ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
