Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Need sex. Gaining weight.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
