I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
