I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
