Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Edward fifth and chaser hands
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
