is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Randomize
