My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
