I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
