Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She's the barista slut.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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