he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
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