My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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