I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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