thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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