I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
splinters make it hard to masturbate
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
