I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
A+ Viking dick
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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