i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
