You're a womanizer and a bitch.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Someone came in the potted fern
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
