mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
