Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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