someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
