im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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