Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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