he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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