she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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