okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
