FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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