last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
