using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
