dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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