wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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