he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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