i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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