final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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