I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
