fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
