is your mom at the bar?
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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